Why do I know that you will grow up to hate me?

Little one, I am so sorry for this entire world and for that I could not do any better. I know, I was there before, I should have known. Why you had to come to earth like that and suffer. The moment you were there, the very second, I sensed that, I knew. This is our test and the question ‘why’, will echo for ever end ever.

There was nothing more that I wanted then, like every other dad, to have you but this world is full of hate and bloodshed and bitterness so you had to come with love and understanding  and not by trying to humiliate me which is absolutely none of your fault and you need never think like that. But why do I know that you will grow up to hate me?

There are winds of war outside, all are tensed and ready. Some are still lying to themselves and fantasize a world that doesn’t exist, a world that they have won; they refuse to see how much agony and danger they brought on us all. They are triumphing about taking your daddy away and they will tell you that you don’t need one.  

 Today is the first day of a year that could be the last one, the last before the rage of the Maia’s Gods or whatever, will fall on earth and finish this comedy. If it’s true or not, I can’t judge, this is too big, but I know that the last year for me was already, several years ago.

When I heard you will come to earth and I have already lost you, it was the last day as well. There will be no first day of the year to celebrate anymore. There will be no holidays to be happy about, people celebrate to stamp a period of time with happiness or to celebrate the upcoming days. My days will come and go and I will watch them passing by, writing to other adults that decides things that only God can, that only our faith is allowed, not to know you growing.

Not to know what cause you happiness and what are your fears. If I was there to listen about the monsters that comes out at night from under your bed I would have told you. The monsters from under your bed are real; they are out there in the offices with the smiling old women.

Outside I can hear the voices of people celebrating and laughing like they have a reason to and my heart is only racing for hours until it hurt and stops. But a man should stand straight, he cannot walk on four like the little dogs, and the part of me in you knows that too.

I saw your confusion from far away; I saw that you know deep inside that something is missing badly; Your Daddy.